minor setback

Guess who's back?

I never thought it would take me this long to have the courage to write something up again. It's been roughly ten months since my last post and a lot of things definitely changed.

Let me start off by explaining why I said I needed the 'courage' to write something up. You see, I'm a BS Accountancy student in the UST-AMV College of Accountancy. Being a student there, and I cannot reiterate this enough: has been the most mentally draining, physically exhausting, and the most emotionally unstable I've ever been from this point in my life. Most people will not understand the struggle of being an AMV Student. In fact, I won't go deep about the things that happen in the college (for reasons that could implicate me and cost me my graduation. Ugh). Instead, I'll talk about its effects on me. For the past semester, I have not been able to take care of myself like I would on a normal basis. The activities I would turn to, like writing random thoughts here, whenever I felt stressed were definitely scraped off the list because of the time it would consume. The bare minimum that I would treat myself to was sleep and maybe a little drink to shake off the stress. So far I haven't been able to find the strength to rekindle my passion for the other things that make me me.

I guess I can now attest to what they say, "you should be mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared, even prepared with all your review materials before taking the IAC (Integrated Accounting Course)" and I wasn't. I was insanely underprepared emotionally and mentally. There were multiple times that I would break down because of things that had happened at the start and middle of the term that I couldn't process emotionally. I couldn't grieve thoroughly, I couldn't process the abandonment properly, and most importantly, I couldn't handle all the pressure and stress my academics required of me. It brought so much confusion and the time it would consume to recover from the breakdowns could have been put to productivity. I also experienced the worst panic attack I have ever had, it woke me up at around 4:50AM which lasted for about an hour until I fell asleep. I was able to pass out because of a medicine I took with a pain that I rated 9/10. This was the dawn just before my 4th Comprehensive Exams had begun. The feeling was wanting to take my head off cause it felt like someone put an ax in between my head (not that I would know what that feels). Nonetheless, I fought hard til the very end up until my last removal exams (I took 4. LOL), with bulging eye bags and all.

I've finally come into terms with this mess. So yes, I admit my fault in this, because that would be the most psychological thing to do —to accept my failure and to move on as quickly as I can. I did my best times ten and it still wasn't enough. I wouldn't have done anything different or added more for me to have done better. That was all I had and it was my best. It would be harder to wallow in the circumstance, and pull myself from a dark place again than to face this head on, with positivity and some mind tricks. So let bygones be bygones.

This is me deferring my version of success. Despite the fears, anxiety, and burnout; and in spite of the misshapen system of the college. Let me rise above this setback and prove myself otherwise. I can do this. I will do this.

Here's one of my graduation photos, rocking my Kat Galang pose. You'll see me in my toga soon!